Written by G. James-Weir
Last weekend I had the boys from Capcom round for a few games of Space Hulk and the obvious question came up: How would you rank the Resident Evil games?
I was all: ‘Pffff…look here, Johnny CEO of Capcom, I know your games, I know ’em real well. I’ll do you a list, a list so good that you guys will be forced to take it as fact and everything you ever love will mean NOTHING in the face of its perfection’. I said as I flipped a Genestealer blip to reveal a 3 on it, right round the corner from a stranded Terminator.
‘This list…’ I continued, getting all up in his personal space, ‘This FUCKING list will be so perfect, so utterly flawless that to look upon it will be like gazing upon the face of god himself’.
‘Sure…whatever dude’, he replied before reminding me that his Terminator was on over-watch and thus obliterating my Genestealers in a few dice rolls with sustained fire. Johnny CEO can be such a jerk.
So here it is, the absolute definitive final –god-damn word– on the correct ranking of the Resident Evil games. EVERY. LAST. ONE.
6. RESIDENT EVIL 3: NEMESISTechnically better than 2, but it treads the same ground and veers too close to the action and away from the horror. Still bloody good though & The Nemesis is a great monster. STAAAAAAAAARSSSSS indeed.
8. RESIDENT EVIL REVELATIONS 2Only played the first 2 chapters, but it was alright. Nice mix of ‘new’ and ‘old’ Resi.
9. RESIDENT EVIL REVELATIONSNot gonna lie, I didn’t play it. Looks good though.
10. RESIDENT EVIL 0 Again, never played it. I have an unnerving hatred towards the character of Rebecca Chambers…It stems from the time she beat me at Lord of the Rings Top Trumps. HOW DOES GOLLUM BEAT SARUMAN, REBECCA?! HOW?!?
Everything below here is in no real order because it’s all as bad as the next. Like finding out all 9 discs of your Alien Anthology have been replaced with the Alien Resurrection disc. Even the documentaries. The horror.
Hold onto your butts, we’re in for some choppy weather.
Resident Evil: Outbreak The online one that totally wasn’t online. Didn’t play it, I was probably lost in a Tony Hawks-glory days haze. Has that guy got a fucking broom? Is that one of the cockroach things from Mimic?
Mercenaries 3D. Might be good, but I can imagine playing this on a hand-held with only one analogue stick being like trying to become best friends with a shark with anger problems – you’ll probably end up losing a hand.
‘Hey, know what would be a good idea? Turning the slow, purposeful gameplay of Resident Evil into a light gun game!’
‘Well hey! Sega are doing it with House of the Dead, and Sega know what they’re doing right? Look at Sonic!’
‘I heard they’re even making a film of it…we should get on this asap!’
So there you go. I think that’s all of them, I’m not really that fussed. Congrats if you made it this far because as I found out, this franchise has had way, way more bad than it has good.