Resident Evil RANKED.

Written by G. James-Weir

Last weekend I had the boys from Capcom round for a few games of Space Hulk and the obvious question came up: How would you rank the Resident Evil games? 

I was all: ‘Pffff…look here, Johnny CEO of Capcom, I know your games, I know ’em real well. I’ll do you a list, a list so good that you guys will be forced to take it as fact and everything you ever love will mean NOTHING in the face of its perfection’. I said as I flipped a Genestealer blip to reveal a 3 on it, right round the corner from a stranded Terminator. 

‘This list…’ I continued, getting all up in his personal space, ‘This FUCKING list will be so perfect, so utterly flawless that to look upon it will be like gazing upon the face of god himself’.

‘Sure…whatever dude’, he replied before reminding me that his Terminator was on over-watch and thus obliterating my Genestealers in a few dice rolls with sustained fire. Johnny CEO can be such a jerk.

So here it is, the absolute definitive final –god-damn word– on the correct ranking of the Resident Evil games. EVERY. LAST. ONE.

1. RESIDENT EVIL REmake.RE-011_bmp_jpgcopy.0Perfection.

2. RESIDENT EVIL 2downloadA sprawling, narrative swapping B-movie beauty, full of amazing moments and boss fights.

3. RESIDENT EVIL 4Resident-Evil-4-img.1Would happily put this first if it wasn’t for those FUCKING ESCORT SECTIONS.

4. RESIDENT EVILthedogs-resident-evil1A genuine game-changer, defining a whole genre and era of gaming. If you’ve not played it in some form, chances are your life is a bit shit.

5.RESIDENT EVIL 5Badasspic6Underrated, egg chomping, boulder punching madness. Best in co-op.

6. RESIDENT EVIL 3: NEMESISres3Technically better than 2, but it treads the same ground and veers too close to the action and away from the horror. Still bloody good though & The Nemesis is a great monster. STAAAAAAAAARSSSSS indeed.

7. CODE VERONICAcodeThe real reason to own a Dreamcast. Until it was released on the PS2, then really it was only Spawn: Armageddon worth playing on that console.

8. RESIDENT EVIL REVELATIONS 290911Only played the first 2 chapters, but it was alright. Nice mix of ‘new’ and ‘old’ Resi.

9. RESIDENT EVIL REVELATIONSrevelationsassets-541-10Not gonna lie, I didn’t play it. Looks good though.

10. RESIDENT EVIL 0   resident_evil_0_remaster.0.0Again, never played it. I have an unnerving hatred towards the character of Rebecca Chambers…It stems from the time she beat me at Lord of the Rings Top Trumps. HOW DOES GOLLUM BEAT SARUMAN, REBECCA?! HOW?!?

11. RESIDENT EVIL DARKSIDE CHRONICLESCaptivate_Darkside_Chronicles_02_bmp_jpgcopyOne of the better light-gun attempts, scores high due to the nostalgia of storming though old locations, gunning down old foes. Good, if shallow fun.

12. RESIDENT EVIL UMBRELLA CHRONICLESResidentEvilUmbrellaChroniclesSee above.

13. RESIDENT EVIL 6re6A complete and total mess. Tries hard to be a modern action game, but fails in all aspects. The fact that this is only 13 speaks volumes for just low this franchise can sink.

Everything below here is in no real order because it’s all as bad as the next. Like finding out all 9 discs of your Alien Anthology have been replaced with the Alien Resurrection disc. Even the documentaries. The horror.

Hold onto your butts, we’re in for some choppy weather.

RESIDENT EVIL: GAIDENgaidenCapcom were so preoccupied with whether or not they could get a Resident Evil game onto the Game Boy that they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Resident Evil…Outbreak? Operation Raccoon City or…I don’t know.raop This guy has a knife. A knife, the default ‘you’re fucked’ weapon in all of Resi games. A knife against crowd of zombies. Shite, 6/10.

Resident Evil: Outbreak resident-evil-outbreak-file-2-20050204041508605-000The online one that totally wasn’t online. Didn’t play it, I was probably lost in a Tony Hawks-glory days haze. Has that guy got a fucking broom? Is that one of the cockroach things from Mimic?

Deadly Aim or something?  ResidentEvilDeadAim_050603_05_640wLooks gash. Like. Awful. Sun-dried piss on a tuna bagel.

Resident Evil Outbreak 2   resident-evil-outbreak-pic4 Is…that a zombie elephant? …Jesus.

Mercenaries 3D.   resident-evil-the-mercenaries-3d-screenshotsMight be good, but I can imagine playing this on a hand-held with only one analogue stick being like trying to become best friends with a shark with anger problems – you’ll probably end up losing a hand.

Resident Evil Survivor310744-ResidentEvilSurvivor_008INT Capcom Offices, early 2000 – DAY –

‘Hey, know what would be a good idea? Turning the slow, purposeful gameplay of Resident Evil into a light gun game!’

‘Well hey! Sega are doing it with House of the Dead, and Sega know what they’re doing right? Look at Sonic!’

‘I heard they’re even making a film of it…we should get on this asap!’

Resident Evil Survivor 2 Code: Veronicaresident-evil-survivor-2-code-veronica-playstation-2-ps2-013I think that’s the title anyway. I’m not checking, still in shock that they made two of these things.

So there you go. I think that’s all of them, I’m not really that fussed. Congrats if you made it this far because as I found out, this franchise has had way, way more bad than it has good.


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